Why Victims of Shaming Blame Themselves Rather Than Holding Their Cruel Tormentors Accountable

In a gently consoling animation, the consistently insightful School of Life, explains how victims of shaming are more likely to turn that shame on themselves. They essentially allow their own self-worth and self-esteem to be lowered by those who shame them, instead of turning it back on their cruel tormentors who more than likely, carry shame within themselves. Perhaps this cruel circle can be stopped by removing the need for perfection all around.

We wouldn’t be truly shamed people if all it took was a few simple questions to shake us from our conviction of our detestable identity. We were shamed because we were and are defective. Our caregivers weren’t mean; they were – above anything else – perceptive, even brilliant. … They had the true measure of us….What is the way out of shame? … Rather than implicitly upholding an ideal of goodness by telling ourselves that we do after all measure up to it, far better to throw away ideals and all notions of achievable purity and goodness. …We should give up on fascistic perfectionism in order to make a generous home for our cracked reality in our own and in the collective imagination.