The Dark Side of Christmas

“Christmas is Certain” features the first-ever official footage of Santa’s armed helpers in action. Until now, this was an untold Christmas story.

I have had the great honor of serving Santa as both Detail Commander of Santa’s Little Secret Service and as Captain of the 12th Nutcracker Regiment, an elite corps within Santa’s Defense Forces (SDF.) I am the first to admit we are a necessary evil. For centuries, Santa’s neutrality and special diplomatic status permitted him to travel freely throughout the world during the Christmas Operational Window. But in the last 100 years, the world has become increasingly dangerous and uncertain. In order to ensure Santa’s safety and uninterrupted Christmas operations, it has become necessary for the North Pole to take precautions. The result: Santa’s elvish security agencies and the military units of the SDF.

Our most recent deployment was at this month’s San Francisco Santacon. Santa’s armed helpers fielded a comprehensive security task force for Santa’s Sleigh One, code-named Operation Chimney Sweep.


I am authorized to tell you this not to alarm you or any good boys and girls. Rather, be reassured by the elaborate measures undertaken by Santa’s helpers to ensure his safety and the certainty of Christmas. And to the naughty boys and girls, the enemies of Santa, I offer a warning: We see you when you’re sleeping. We know when you’re awake.

I wish you and yours a satisfactory and secure Christmas Operational Window.

Captain EDW “Pine Nut” Lynch
12th Nutcracker Regiment
Santa’s Defense Forces

Additional Laughing Squid coverage of Santa’s armed helpers:

Santa’s Defense Forces Protect Santa In San Francisco as Part of Operation Yule Storm
Santa’s Little Secret Service Returns To Protect The Easter Bunny
Santa’s Little Secret Service, Protecting Jesus Christ & Frank Chu

photo by Sally McIntyre