A Redeeming Tale of an Obnoxious Man Who Remained a Complete Asshole Until the Day He Died

The World's Biggest Asshole

A stern narrator tells the story of Coleman Sweeney, a man considered to be the biggest asshole in the world. The preternaturally obnoxious Sweeney treated everyone including animals with remarkable disgust, impatience and disrespect. It was only on the day Sweeney unexpectedly died arguing over breakfast, that he became a hero who literally contributed back to the society he so disdained. It turns out he was an organ donor.

Sweeney had registered to be an organ donor. Nobody knew what caused Coleman to do it but there it was generous and majestic and that was the day that Coleman went from asshole to hero.You see his liver went to Stan, a father of two, his heart went to Miranda Morgan, who went on to teach for 25 more years and his tendons went to Staff Sergeant Donahue who was able to walk again and would never need to be pushed across the street by his physical therapist and in a moment of small world irony, his corneas went to his 82 year old next-door neighbor, so that she could finally see the crap that her dog made in the side yard and pick it up.

Because of his now-hero status, a mural of Sweeney was painted on the back wall of the restaurant where he died, per Sarah Waitress‘s request

I talked my boss into putting a mural on the back of the building to honor the man, the myth, the redeemed asshole. I think it’s fitting.

Lori Dorn
Lori Dorn

Lori is a Laughing Squid Contributing Editor based in New York City who has been writing blog posts for over a decade. She also enjoys making jewelry, playing guitar, taking photos and mixing craft cocktails.