New Mountain Dew ‘Code White’ Claims To Be Able to Kill Off 99.9% of All Stomach Bacteria

The Onion is reporting that PepsiCo has just launched the new prescription-strength Mountain Dew “Code White”, which claims to be able to kill off 99.9% of all stomach bacteria.

“If you like Mountain Dew, you’re going to love Code White. All it takes is one sip and you’ll start feeling the rush of your gut flora being systematically exterminated,” said Mountain Dew product manager Mark Aldag, boasting that extensive lab tests had proved the drink’s lethality to nearly all of the stomach’s bacterial phyla, including Firmicutes, Bacteroidetes, Actinobacteria, and Proteobacteria. “Whether you need a little extra boost in the middle of the workday or to eradicate an unwanted strain of H. pylori embedded in the mucus lining of your stomach, just grab a Code White and you’re sure to be satisfied!”