The Onion nails it in this article from early 2014:
“Distant Planet Terrified It Might Be Able To Someday Support Human Life”
The 5.2-billion-year-old celestial body, which is located roughly 1,100 light years from Earth, said that for both its own sake and that of its entire solar system, it can only hope to never possess the necessary planetary characteristics and chemical elements needed to support either a deep-space human outpost or, more gravely, an entire human colony.
via Jason Beale
