“When egg molds are outlawed, only outlaws will have egg molds,” said Tracy Becker, 39, mother of three and longtime supporter of civil rights. “My neighborhood has had three home invasions in the past year, and I was hoping to fry up something that might scare off anyone who tried to hurt my kids. I had a pistol for home defense, but they made me turn it in. Now I feel defenseless.”

Meanwhile, sources within the gang community say that ownership of firearm-shaped egg fryers has increased sharply since Newsom’s announcement. Hunter’s Point resident Lashanta Washinton said that “It’s like a fad now. People be buying these things for they friends and relatives who come to visit. Folks didn’t care before; now they think it’s cool to have one.”

As for real handgun ownership, reliable official figures are no longer available, as defiant owners of previously legal guns have now become legally defined as criminals. However, unofficial sources say that persons with actual criminal histories are delighted by San Francisco’s gun ban, and look forward to the opportunity to rob, rape, and kill without fear for their own safety.

A Bounty Hunter Crip known as “Syko” put it this way: “Man, this is the sweetest. Before, we always had to think, ‘What if somebody got a gun, I might get popped if I jack his store, [have nonconsensual intercourse with] his mother? I mean, most people here didn’t have no gun anyway, but there was always a risk. Now they ain’t. All I gots to worry about is our enemies in the other gangs, and, oh yeah, the police.” Syko laughed uproariously and with his companions, who said they were going to purchase “a mess of gats.” When asked if they had to travel to neighboring cities like Oakland or Daly City to purchase the guns, Syko gave a reporter an incredulous look. “You think we buy them in a store?” he asked. At which point he and his friends laughed again, surrounded the reporter, and asked if the reporter wanted them to “pick up a illegal egg fryer” while they were at it. To purchase the item, they said, they need all his money immediately. The Crips then relieved the reporter of his wallet, watch, and shoes. They almost took his cell phone, but gave it back to him when they saw that it was an older model no longer in fashion. As a parting gesture, they broke the reporter’s fingers and nose.

As soon as his attackers were out of sight, the reporter dialed 9-1-1 on his cell phone to report the violent attack that had taken place. Though he had been unable to protect himself, the reporter hoped the police could catch the perpetrators and perhaps prevent future crimes from taking place. Regrettably, the 9-1-1 emergency center phone lines were busy.